You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
