fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
