when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
