i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
cat food counts as protein by the way
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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