he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
