We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
