Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
