My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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