The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
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