Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
