you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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