I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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