Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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