I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
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Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
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saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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