we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
