her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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