your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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