Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
