I'm so fucking centered right now
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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