Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
