Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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