It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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