as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
