Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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