the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
