I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
