I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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