Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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