My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
