Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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