My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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