He uses pillows to masturbate.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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