I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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