maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
