He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Randomize
