what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
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I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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