I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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