My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
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I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
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It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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