he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
