My hand turned me down
The best revenge is premature balding
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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