Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
