Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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