Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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