god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
