i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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