I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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