so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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