thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
