how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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