I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
