I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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