someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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