you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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