NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
