I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
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I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
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he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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