Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
