theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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