So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
