If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Randomize
